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Featured Emails (Rated Pg-13)

Intro To The Emails

No Parent Left Behind Acts

The Casket

The Insistence of Sgt.Schulz

The 10 Commandments For GOD!

NEW VIRUS....IT'S BAD!!!!

Medicare Health Insurance Dilemma

Life's Marbles (Philosophy)

 

Intro To The Emails

The stories below came across our email inbox. Sometimes they had been forwarded many times before they reached us. Usually there was no author listed and in no case could any listed author be confirmed. Greenspeech would like to take this opportunity to thank the individuals who originally wrote these emails. We salute you for your wit and cleverness. If you are the original author of one of the emails below and can prove that you were the original author by means of copyright registration or other proof, we would like to hear from you so we can at least give you credit. In fact, we hope that you keep writing them and publish them in a book so we can buy a copy!

 

No Parent Left Behind Acts

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh
out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an actual
school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her
shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre
dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday.
We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend
her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our
kids.

The Casket

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!

The Insistence of Sgt.Schulz

In 1943, I believe it was December, I was asked to escort some ''jews" to the gas chamber. I knew, in fact, from my contacts with the camp administrators, and in particular, an American who was an agent of IBM, who serviced the punch card machines which issued the dreduious "codes", that a code #9 existed. This code meant "release". Well, although I was a Nazi guard, I knew that these camps were dread and intolerable places. So, I did my best to assign every person with a dread code to change it to a #9. I was very successful at this, even to the point that some other officers in the Army began to question my competence.

On one occasion, a particular jewish boy, I believe that he was jewish anyway, caught my eye, and of course, I tried to change his dread code to #9. However, as chance would have it, a commanding officer in visit to the camp questioned my actions. In fact, he questioned my competency at changing the dread code of a the boy and the "jews" that accompanied him to a #9. Well, I said, "Incompetent! You call ME incompetent, this order comes directly from the Furher Himself!" I then pulled out my identification card and asked him if he would like to confirm with the Furher, personally, that this was the case. He told me at that point to follow orders as directed. The dread codes were changed to #9's.

That is my confession,
My name is Sgt. Schulz

The 10 Commandments
For GOD!

Listed Author: Damien Vincent

Seeing that God has not helped man much in the past 2000 years, but that He continues to create problems and tell us what to do all the time, I am suggesting that God stick to Ten Commandments that apply to Him alone. Here they are:

1. God should love man above all else, after all, He created him
2. God should love His neighbor as he loves Himself
3. God should respect all the things He creates
4. God should not create anything unless He has a plan and a way to take care of it.
5. God should not help anyone who is not willing to help themselves
6. God should not lay claim to the Earth if he can't put His own affairs in order.
7. God should be able to make use of all that He creates, but not put people in Hell like trash in the garbage.
8. God should not pay attention to people who pay Him off or flatter Him.
9. God should acknowledge that He makes mistakes, until He stops making them.
10. God should remember that He's not the only one in the universe.

NEW VIRUS....IT'S BAD!!!!

Listed Author: Icelya Hernandez

Subject: NEW VIRUS ......ITS BAD!!!!

This sounds like a bad one. If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone autodial to call only 1-900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP/Vista environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.*******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone .....

Medicare Health Insurance Dilemma

Subject: Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell

Phone rings, lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Dr. Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Life's Marbles

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital", he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities." That's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years."

"I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. The one thing we can all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey. I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast."
"What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.
"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids, and hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles."